Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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