I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
