On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize