Is it because I queefed?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
