I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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