overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
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