Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
