Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
