the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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