so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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