Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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