like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
