Your dad touched me again.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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