DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
