WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
