You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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