so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
