so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
