how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
