Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
