Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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