What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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