Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
