During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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