Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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