Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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