Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
