I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
