he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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