We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
