did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
