He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
