dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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