My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
