maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
