The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
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He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
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And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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