He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
