It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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