i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
