He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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