do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
