it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
