In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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