my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
