My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
