Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
