To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
