im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Randomize
