i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
