I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
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my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
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Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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