oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
