Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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