Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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