I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I need to align my fucking chakras
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
