i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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