i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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