My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
