Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I want a musical about memes.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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