I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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