Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
