i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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