im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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