I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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